An “Expressive” Essay

21 07 2008
Written in ’04 for my English 101 class (the goal was to go off on a rant).
Please disregard it’s cheesiness.

Music: What’s Not to Like?

I’m sick and tired of people constantly bashing other people’s favorite styles of music. Music is a beautiful thing that should be appreciated in all its forms, not just one particular style favored by some self-righteous jerk who thinks all other styles of music should perish from the earth. When it comes right down to it, I could insult all forms of music just to prove to all you buffoons who think you own the best musical style that no genre is better than another; it’s all a matter of personal taste. In fact, I think I will do that.

Let’s start with pop music. Pop – in all it’s repetitive, overplayed glory – is a sickening thing sometimes. I mean, how many times do we have to hear “I love you, baby” by countless different pop groups? It’s basically the same words with slightly different tunes. Create something original, for goodness’ sake

Next up is rap music; or, as many like to refer to it, “crap without the ‘c.’” Sometimes I feel like if I hear one more rapper talk about his “hos” and how much “bling” he has, I’m going to puke. I wonder who came up with the idea that people talking over computer-generated beats would be musically relevant?

The next style of music I would like to discuss is hardcore. Who wants to listen to some guy scream his lungs out on top of music that sounds like the band is bashing their heads against their instruments? Listening to this kind of music is like saying “I hope I get a migraine today.”

Some bands have even combined the last two musical styles reviewed into a new genre called “rapcore.” Why would anyone want to combine these horrible “art forms?” Rapcore is more groan-inducing than either of its respective counterparts.

Even worse than hardcore is heavy (80’s) metal. High pitched wailing is bad enough coming from a woman, but do I really need to hear it from some guy who wears tons of make-up and has hair two feet long? The self-indulgent guitar solos also annoy, as they often go on for minutes and are just an excuse for the guitarist to say to himself, “Hey, look at me I’m an amazing guitar player ”

Punk rock is a genre of music where every song sounds nearly identical. Bands play at lightning-fast speeds and the lyrics are barely intelligible. This is truly a style of music for people who don’t like to think too hard.

Classical music: can you say “boring beyond belief?” Listening to this is like taking a box of sleeping pills all at once. It simply cannot hold a normal person’s interest for long.

A similar argument holds for opera music, except opera has one added quality: opera singers. The music puts you to sleep while the often ear-splitting vocals grate on your nerves. This isn’t exactly a pleasant experience, to say the least.

“Incredibly annoying” is one way to describe techno. Repeated phrases and constantly pulsating beats that would disrupt your grandpa’s pacemaker. Someone could experience seizures after listening to this too long.

I’ve got two words for emo bands: quit whining Off-key singers complain about their poor broken hearts while the band plays off-kilter music. Find something else to sing about

Jazz is a style of music that is often upbeat, but always monotonous. The band plays the same rhythm for the whole song while every band member takes their turn at improvising. It gets old very quickly.

Country music is some of the most unintelligent music known to man. Every song sounds the same and you can barely tell one singer from another. Not only that, the music is so simple that it barely qualifies as requiring talent.

Gothic rock is just plain strange music to listen to. Whether it’s over-the-top cheesy or frighteningly disturbing, its not worth wasting your valuable time indulging in it. Who wants to give themselves nightmares and be serious and depressed while listening to music?

I could go on for pages insulting every genre of music known to man. The truth is, I enjoy each of these styles of music to a certain extent (and degrading some of them was a very painful experience for me). All of you music elitists should stop pretending that you’re better than everyone else and start opening your minds to new forms of music.

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